Monday, February 14, 2005

Cupid is Stupid

Once upon a time I wrote a regular column for the paper at St. John's and St. Ben's. It all started when I submitted a column about Valentine's Day. I now present that same column, slightly edited, here for you:

Let’s do a quick test:
Raise your hand if you like pink….

There? See that? Not a single guy raised his hand. You want to know why? Because we hate the color. It’s fake. I mean, it’s PINK for crying out loud! Not a real color like red or white, but more like the ugly stepchild of passion and purity. It’s the brawl between the two, embodied in the least sincere color we know. Fake. Sorta like the holiday it embodies. Yeah, that’s what I’m getting at here: Valentine’s Day. If we wanted to, we could repeat our test with Valentine’s Day as our subject, and we’d find the same results.

So, what do we guys have against Valentine’s Day? The same thing we have against the pigment; namely that it’s fake. Valentine’s pretends to be something it’s not. Valentine’s day thinks it’s about romance and love when it really has nothing to do with the subject. And that’s what guys hate about it - the absolute lack of romance.

“Gee, how wonderful, you got me flowers, chocolates and a stuffed bear that says ‘I [Heart] U.’”

Hmm, never would have seen that coming, eh ladies? Really, how romantic is that? “I [Heart] U”??? That’s sick. I mean, kindergartners use “I [Heart] U,” and most of them are tired of it after the second card. That’s OK though, because every kindergartner can tell you the one redeeming quality of Valentine’s Day: the candy. Of course, I can’t remember
the last time I got Valentine’s candy without buying it myself. I do especially like the little candy hearts, but let’s face it, most of it is just sub-par chocolate, and no normal human can fit a heart-shaped sucker into their mouth.

I mean, who planned this? Romance should be about spontaneity, not your ability to color inside the lines. I mean, pick your partner, pick your cliché, pick your restaurant, and pick your nose for all I care, because YAWN!

Any rube can put the last piece in the puzzle, and as guys, that’s what we’re doing on Valentine’s Day. If it can’t be romantic, than it isn’t worth it. It isn’t an act of love to be forced into romance. And that’s our basic gripe. Seriously, most guys have nothing against romance. They just hate faking it. Every guy knows that love is not fake pink emotion. Love isn’t a new teddy bear with L-U-V written across its t-shirt. And love isn’t heart-shaped chocolates (which you can find anywhere from gas stations to chocolatiers)(if you can buy it at a gas station odds are good it isn’t love).

Every guy knows that isn’t love. And, show it or not, every guy knows what love is: Love is writing your girlfriend a sweet letter, and mailing it. Love is knowing her favorite candy bar, and keeping her stocked. Love is waking up before her 8 a.m. class to cook breakfast. Love is roses, because it’s Thursday.

No, love is not Valentine’s Day.
Love is not needing Valentine’s Day.


Emily said...

I like it. And cool that it was in the paper here. Makes me feel connected, or cool, or something...

Matthew B. Novak said...

As a little extra note here, I should point out that this article is to say nothing about any differences between women and men. I'm well aware that a large number of both agree with me, and consider the holiday a hoax.

Emmie Rose, maybe I'll post another of my old columns - keep an eye peeled.

Emily said...

Sweet. I will.

Anonymous said...

actually matt some (stupid0 guys are now wearing thats right WEARING the color pink and i agree with u on the whole velntine thing all that stuff isnt love! but boy do i love those chocolates! oh i disagree about the suckers i fit them into my mouth easy!