Well, he didn't get to spend as much time with the guys after that. We were always fighting with his wife over visitation, but the court kept taking her side, and soon enough we only had him every other weekend and 4 weeks during the summer.
After that, another good friend got engaged, and I started to worry. It seemed to me like soon I'd be all alone. With Brendan and Joel of course. But the three of us would be all alone. With Gavin. Ok, so there wasn't really any impending aloneness. But I wanted the married guys to know what they could expect from us single guys. I figured, if they had a solid commitment, maybe a contract, from us bachelors, then we'd be able to get more quality time.
So I took the liberty of writing up a little contract. Since I'm getting married in a month, I felt it was appropriate to post here.
Declaration of the
Responsibilities of The Married Guy’s Friends
The undersigned Friends of The Married Guy shall hereby provide the following:
1. A bachelor’s party to groom’s specifications.
2. Drunken revelry at the wedding.
3. Equal division of all remaining bachelor possessions.
3. Consistent shaking of heads and clucking of tongues as The Married Guy leaves to spend time with The Wife.
4. A night of cards (minimum, once a month) and various other opportunities for escape. All requiring illicit behavior and late hours of the night.
5. A haven for the release of foul gasses shall be provided for The Married Guy, away from The Wife. Presence of other foul gasses is probable.
6. Vicarious Liability for Married Guy’s actions away from The Wife, so as to prevent marital tensions.
7. Harassment; consistent, profound, deep and rife with sexual innuendo; often spurred by jealousy.
8. Persistent refusal to recognize that the obligations of marriage are more important than Action Flicks and Football.
9. Consistent reminders to the Married Guy that his absence in viewing the aforementioned Action Flicks and Football was not appreciated.
10. The Bringing of Alcohol, Crude Language, and Dirty Jokes into close proximity with The Family.
11. Consumption of leftovers produced by The Wife.
12. A forum for discussing the correlation between credit card balance and sexual satisfaction.
13. When The Child is born, gifts and respect shall be provided for The Wife. The Married Guy shall receive further reminders of previous freedoms he can no longer enjoy.
14. Questions regarding married life, which shall be directed to The Married Guy
15. Interpretation of his answers as signs of persistent marital anguish.
16. When The Child reaches such age as deemed appropriate, education in all things crude shall be provided by The Married Guy’s friends. Inappropriate behavior shall be taught regardless of gender.
16. If ever arises a situation in which The Married Guy faces The Wife’s wrath, lies and assorted cover shall be provided by The Married Guy’s friends.
17. If ever arises a situation in which The Wife desires to speak to The Married Guy alone, no hints shall be taken and no privacy given.
18. The Married Guy’s friends shall recognize that The Married Guy’s life is now in the public domain, and they shall request as much previously confidential information from The Married Guy as they see fit.
19. Innuendo regarding feminine procedures in specific connection to The Wife.
20. A place on the couch shall be provided for The Married Guy at all times.
We, the undersigned, recognize that from this day forward this contract recognizes the special obligations of The Married Guy’s friends, and we do swear to uphold to the best of our abilities these responsibilities.
3 comments:
I like that list. It made me laugh.
And I actually happened to be listening to that song as I read the post, how's that for a coincidence?? "All These Things That I've Done", The Killers.
Hereby Signed...
Joel Schou
As the original 'Married Guy,' I have to say that having that contract there for me really was most reassuring. But then the wife made me join the Army..."We have too much emotional stability around here. Join the Army!" were her exact words, as I recall, probably so I would be unable to partake in the benefits of responsibilities outlined in the contract. The way I figure it, I'll have built up about a solid year of visitation by the time I make it back to Minnesota on a permanent basis. 'Dibs' on the couch, Joel.
In all non-fictional seriousness, though, I cannot count the number of times I've wished for a night of poker and mediochre beer, innuendo, sports fanaticism, and/or general amusment with some fantastic and sorely missed friends.
Post a Comment