Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Did You Know the Hole's Only Natural Enemy is the Pile?

Ok, so I'm a bit of a late-comer to this phenomena, as other people have posted it already, but there's this new nifty thing that'll tell you where you'd end up if you went out on your lawn and dug straight through the Earth's core. Since digging straight through the core implies inverting your position with regard to both latitude and longitude, needless to say, you won't end up in China.

All those other people who posted about this before did a great job reporting on the sad reality that my childhood dream of digging through the bottom of my sand box, down, down, straight through those outer layers of Earth's crust (possibly stopping to secure a few dinosaur fossils on the way), deeper and deeper until I had to turn on the light on my miner's helmet (like the link, but with a light on it), down, through the molten core (perhaps I would have invested in some sort of shiny, reflective heat-resistant garment that resembled a space suit, or at least some shorts), back, up to where the light started to grow brighter and brighter, so that when my batteries ran out on the miner's helmet I could still see, up, through the Lair of the Chinese Mole-men, and finally out, above ground again, feet firmly planted on mainland China (or possibly one of those more controversial provinces), was no longer, indeed was never a real possibility. Because actually I'd end up not in China, but floating in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

However, unlike my blogging brethren, I refuse to settle for great reporting about the impossibility of my childhood dreams.

No, I say it is time for bold leadership, for vision, for courage and commitment! I say if we turn our backs on our childhood dreams then we are no better than our enemies who would deny us those dreams! Who these enemies are, I cannot say. Possibly Chinese Mole-men.

It is time we step forward with a new vision, a stronger dream! We must be bold, and reject the ways of cowardice. For it is the cowards' way to say what cannot be done. It is the coward who looks at this map and says "I cannot dig from my yard to China." It is the coward who gives up on his dreams!

That is why today I announce my commitment to our childhood dreams. If we want to dig straight through the Earth and end up in China, then dammit, I say we dig straight through the Earth and end up in China. We do not, we should not, we must not, give up on our dreams. Today, it is time for us to throw out the old question "where will I end up if I dig start digging from my front lawn?" If our dream is to dig straight through to China, then, dear friends, the question we must ask is:

"Where must I start digging from so that I end up in China?"

We have shared a dream of digging straight through the Earth's core, from our lawn to China. And we can succeed! All that we need to make our dream come true is vision, commitment, and courage! And perhaps a tract of land in Northern Argentina.

Also, if you farted in a revolving door, would it just be trapped there until someone else walked through? And could they smell it in the other turnstiles?

Spaghetti comes from China but Italians make it best


Spent my whole life just digging up my music's shallow grave


Ben said...

Bravo Mr. Novak. You share the same adventurous spirit as Armstrong, Custer, and Columbus, who all said "y'know, I bet I could do that!"

Of course, they came to varying results, but that's not the point!

Lucas said...

Quotes: Where Do The Make Balloons? and Number Three by They Might Be Giants

Lucas said...

Oh my, and looking back you've been on quite a TMBG run.

Matthew B. Novak said...

Yeah, I declared April TMBG month.