Tuesday, April 11, 2006

"What's Wrong With These People?" or "Neapolitan's Waterloo"

Laura and I recently made a gigantic batch of Monster Cookies. Having too many cookies meant we needed to freeze a large bunch for a while. Having a need to freeze many cookies gave rise to a demand for some sort of relatively large container. Having need for a relatively large container naturally brought to mind an old gallon ice cream pail.

See, that's one of those strange thing about being recently married... we've got 3 quilts, 21 hand towels, 9 serving platters, 6 hand-mixers, and 4 crock pots, but no empty ice cream pails. And frankly, right now, we could use an empty ice cream pail.

Now, if you're a normal family, you've probably got more empty ice cream pails than you know what to do with. You keep them in the least accessible kitchen cabinet, or in a closet in the basement. You use them for storage, for cleaning, for art projects, for puking, and if you've got children under 5, as drums. You could actually throw out every pail after you use it, and you'd still have enough to last you well into the after-life. It's almost like the things spontaneously reproduce.

But have you ever stopped to wonder about all the ice cream you must have consumed to build up such a ridiculous stash of empty pails? How much of that did you manage to eat yourself? And how much of it did you manage to spill on your shirt? Can you even imagine what all that ice cream would look like if it were all piled together in one place? Mount McFudge Ripple. How many people would it take to eat it all in one sitting? And how bad would that collective brain-freeze hurt?

Owww.

But getting back to my story: Laura and I didn't have any empty ice cream pails. Like I said, we're recently married, and like most recently married couples, we haven't yet managed to eat (or spill) enough ice cream to build up our empty pail collection. So we made a special note of taking a trip down the ice cream aisle on our latest trip to the grocery store. Only to find that there weren't any gallon ice cream pails! Eventually we located 3. Of some extremely generic ice-cream brand. Their fanciest flavor was vanilla. How crazy is that? Back in Minnesota you really have to scour the freezer aisle for anything smaller than a gallon pail of ice cream, but out in D.C. it's just the opposite. What is wrong with these people? Ice cream should be purchased exactly like it should be eaten: in large quantities.

In what may be a related note, according to the CDC's Body Mass Index, I am officially obese.

I'd ask you, if you don't mind
To kiss you a hundred times

7 comments:

Gina said...

join the club.

CAL said...

Actually, they're not gallon buckets, they're 5 quart.

dyk said...

We must be reading the same news stories, because I was on that CDC site yesterday, and called Amanda to tell her I'm solidly overweight. But she's normal.

Also, would consider kidney donation for some access to one-gallon Kemps ice cream buckets. Chocolate Chip, preferrably.

Matthew B. Novak said...

Yes, I'm aware of the actual bigger-than-gallon size, it was just easier to write gallon. We also don't really have 6 hand-mixers. We left two more back home in Minnesota.

Matthew B. Novak said...

Actually Chris, I found out about my fatness during a student presentation in my Advanced Health Law class. My fellow student looked around the room, saw that no one else was fat, and said "oh great, you'll be a perfect example."

I'm rethinking my affinity for health law?

What was the article you read? Was it the one about sleep and obesity in kids? There's a report about that coming out in the near future...

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!

dyk said...

It was the "Study: Obese People Lack Health Awareness" article. Essentially, those fitting the 'obese' category are less likely to properly identify their Body Mass category than those in the Normal or Overweight groups.

Also, Amanda wants to know if we can pick up one of those hand-mixers. She gave ours away before departing for the lands of 220V/60hz.