Tuesday, December 05, 2006

...And Cornhole Us a Drunk

I kid you not, there is a game called cornhole. And it's not even a sicko adult game. I read all about it in the newspaper.

What newspaper you ask? Let me answer your question with a series of questions:

When you think journalistic integrity, what name jumps to mind? When you need in-depth coverage about the issues in your life, who do turn to? When you're looking for hard-hitting, take-no-prisoners interviews of the people who really matter, where do you go? When you want passionate, caring, poetic human interest stories, what's the paper for you? That's right, it's the Wabasso Standard.

For those who aren't in the know, Wabasso is a town of about 700 in Southwest Minnesota. Situated about half-way between Redwood Falls and Marshall, Wabasso is the "Heart of Redwood County", and home to The Standard, the epitome of small-town writing. Yeah, it's schlock, but stacked up to the other papers in Southwest Minnesota The Standard is an absolute gem, and has even won regional awards despite sentences such as, "The groups often raise between $5000 - $10,000 when hosting a American Cornhole charity events." Those ain't typos folks. Well, they ain't my typos. And these are the sentences that make it past the proof-reader. Can you even imagine how bad it must have looked before it was edited?

Apparently the bar isn't set too high for regional newspaper awards, since The Standard is winning them without using spell-check. Of course, it is the Wabasso Standard telling us that they've won these awards, and frankly, I don't trust their ability to report those kind of facts accurately.

So, back to Cornhole. Basically, it's just a game of beanbag toss, but instead of beans the bags are filled with corn. And you try to toss the bags into a hole. Hence the name. According to The Standard the game is rapidly growing in popularity. After writing exactly zero jokes - or anything remotely resembling a joke - in the previous two paragraphs, The Standard tells us "To put all jesting aside, the competitors [at the "cornhole final"] have been taking this very serious."

The game is so popular that it is "demanded by football stars for fundraisers like the Carson Palmer charity event and Jake Plummer." Yeah, just "Jake Plummer." All sorts of incomplete sentences in this article. But they got the ending right at least:

"If you are interested in joining in on the fun or buying one of these sets for the holidays (or any day), check out their website at http://www.americancornhole.com/."

If you would leave it'd be a crying shame
In every breath and every word I hear your name

10 comments:

joel. said...

I'm not sure if I'm laughing harder at the subject matter or your discussion thereof. I still have tears on my cheeks. Wow...

Katie said...

cornhole is a big deal in ohio and indiana. you pretty much can't have an outdoor party without having cornhole. they also make cornhole sets in college colors and it is a must-have while tail-gating. all summer, you see signs everywhere about local tournaments, or people selling custom sets. and there are articles in the dayton daily news i bet at least once a week. i was definitely wierded out when i first moved down here and saw all this cornhole stuff. it's crazy. and not the best choice for a name.

Lady said...

oh mani think the comment katie left is even better than the article. hehe.

well aren't you proud your wife came from a town where English is such a priority? at least she seemed to overcome the challenges.

ps i am visiting st bens tomorrow.

guetterj said...

so wabasso doesn't put a lot of time or effort or knowledge into their weekly report. . . but without small town newspapers like the standard, we would have no way of knowing who mary sue had over for dinner last tuesday or why earl and steve made the trip up to st. paul last week (it for for their nephew's baptism) if the writers for the wabasso standard spent all of their time editing their stories and making sure that picture captions are correct, then who's left to go out and find the news? in a town like wabasso it's not exactly all over the place.
so leave the standard alone. now the cornhole on the other hand. . . if you ever happen to be on a carnival cruise and see one, there is a slight chance that i may have helped make it. i may have sanded the edges (poorly most likely, because my machine was broke and they never really bothered to fix it) or even assembled and boxed it (twice sometimes, cause someone did it wrong the first time). carson palmer, various high schools, as well as the classic original also make the "possibly touched by john" list. unfortunatley, i was unable to participate in the jonti-craft sponsered tournament, but being blessed with the oppotunity to view a few matches was a treat i shall never forget. and when those two old ladies from parts got hot and embarrassed the college athletes from shipping. . . not even the dome has ever roared as loud as the breakroom did that day. thank you american cornhole. thank you

Matthew B. Novak said...

Oh, I greatly appreciate The Standard for what it is. And I did call it a gem. My favorite part is the "Street Beat."

I can completely picture the old ladies beating the college jocks. Hilarious.

Oh, and I don't want to hear any excuses for the poorly sanded edges. It's simply unaccaptable, since not much is worse than getting a sliver from cornholing.

Glad to see your comment. So was Laura.

dyk said...

Hell, my extended family has been playing this for years. I prefer Polish Golf, myself.

Also, I'm not sure if this is Blogger's or Matt's or this computer's doing, but all the standard text on this page is in German. I don't mind, though, because now I know what joel hat gesagt. Even more frightening is that I had read most of the page before I noticed. I had better just go ahead and veroffentlichen this and get back to work.

Matthew B. Novak said...

Es war nicht meine schlect. (The tenses might be all wrong there). It's coming up English on my computers. Either Blogger knows that you're a Germany-based platoon or the computer you're using is set for German.

Either way, die Kuh esse die Ananass.

emnovak said...

Warum isst die Kuh Ananas?
Just wanted to add a comment and since I can speak ein bischen Deutsch, I figured that's what I would add. I actually had a comment originally but after I finished reading the entire thing and everybody else's comments I forget.

Matthew B. Novak said...

Weil die Kuh war hungrig!

Gavin said...

What are you talking about Matt? I did not find anything wrong with those quotes.

Does this mean I can get a job as a reporter?