Thursday, June 07, 2007

A List of Spoilers for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

I present for you now a list of key events that will happen in the forthcoming, final, Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Certain facts have been revealed to us by the author, J.K. Rowling (for example, that two people will die in this book.). She's also discussed killing off Harry, so that she won't have to write about him again. As an expert* in Potterology, I've taken all of these little hints, analyzed patterns and probabilities, read all the early reports, and I've compiled this list, for your benefit and enjoyment.

A disclaimer:

All of these spoilers will be in the book, even the spoilers that are founded on completely false facts, and especially the spoilers that contradict the other spoilers. Because remember: this is a world of magic. Nothing is impossible. Read at your own risk.

*My expert qualifications on Harry Potter consist of reading part of one page of the 3rd book over the shoulder of some dude on the metro.

  • Harry dies.
  • Harry lives.
  • Harry loses his position of seeker when he tests positive for synthetic testosterone.
  • Through the power of magic, all of the characters who have died come back to life.
  • They all die again.
  • Ms. McGonagall is diagnosed with ALS. Every Tuesday for the rest of her life she meets with a former student to share her insights into life.
  • Snape turns out to be a bad guy. Looks like Harry was right all along about that one.
  • Harry graduates from Hogwarts and accepts a full-ride scholarship to Wizard U. While there he joins a frat, drinks too much, puts on an unflattering 25 pounds, and is convicted of date raping a muggle.
  • After years of handling dangerous monsters, Hagrid is accidentally killed when a relatively harmless beast sticks a poisonous barb into his chest.
  • While using his cloak of invisibility, Harry is nearly discovered when the person he is spying on suddenly feels like there might be someone else in the room, and walks very near to where Harry is standing, but stops short a few inches from crashing into Harry himself.
  • An internet service provider finally runs cable out to Hogwarts, and e-mail replaces owl-mail.
  • Harry and Voldemort engage in an epic battle, in which Harry loses a hand. While Harry clings for his life above an abyss, Voldemort finally reveals that he is Harry's father. Harry screams a tortured "Noooooooooo!" and then leaps into the abyss, which is actually some sort of exhaust port that leads to the underside of Cloud City, where Harry hangs on until he is rescued by his friends in the Millennium Falcon.
  • Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger finally seal the deal. Hermione becomes pregnant with Ron's child. They give birth, and name the child Harry, after their good friend. Then, Voldemort kills the both of them, and attempts to kill their child, but instead only wounds the infant, leaving him with a lightning bolt scar on his forehead. This child grows up to be Harry Potter, who befriends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. Remember, this is a magical world; anything is possible.
  • The book literally ends in mid-sentence. This is considered to be the biggest cliff-hanger in literary history, and clearly indicates J.K. Rowling's intent to write an 8th, and "final" Harry Potter novel.
I'm hairy high and low


Jeff said...

Harry Potter and the Human Growth Hormone...

dyk said...

Thanks for that. A little humor was in order here.

Jeff said...

Levale Speigner: $380,000
Dmitri Young: $500,000
Taking two of three from the Twins in the Metrodome: priceless.

There are some things that make sense. For everything else there's Nats baseball.

Mike said...

The scenario in which Ron and Hermione, through some weird time warp, are actually Harry's parents would actually be just about the greatest literary twist ever.

Matthew B. Novak said...

Which of course makes it entirely inconsistent with everything Harry Potter.

Brittany said...

That was fantastic, the real version will never measure up to these brilliant plot twists. I'm personally hoping for Voldemort to lose to Harry, but in a tragic twist, Harry then falls off a cliff. The end.