Monday, September 08, 2008

The Magic Sweatshirt 2: In Search Of A Subtitle

Once upon a time, in the far away Land of Minnesota, there lived a boy. He liked to eat bologna sandwiches and read mystery novels. And although he almost always forgot to take out the garbage, he was, for the most part, a good boy.

The boy had been smiled on by Fate, and in her infinite wisdom she granted the boy a gift: a magic sweatshirt. It was a garment of beauty and strength. It gave the boy a special confidence, a power that increased the strength of his words and heightened the effect of his deeds. It was really, really soft. It had appeared from nowhere, an existence without origin. But you already know that story.

As the boy grew, in the far away Land of Minnesota, he often wore his magic sweatshirt. It contained a simple coat of arms: the image of the Land of Minnesota, surrounded by clear text proclaiming, "Minnesota-State: Curb Gutter Div.". The message was powerful and striking, and yet so mundane as to be cool on account of its unspectacular nature. This very dichotomy was in fact one of the shirt's greatest powers, and its unassuming awesomeness helped draw many people to the boy.

But with a greater base of friends came more hardship for the boy. For this is truly one of pitfalls of so wonderful a gift: to whom much has been given, much is demanded. Fate had bestowed on the boy a garment of immense power and softness, and Fate surely demanded much of the boy. Fortunately for the boy, Fate had seen fit to place a giant pocket on the front of the magic sweatshirt, and bestow it with powers of its own.

The pocket was given three magical abilities, and the boy used these in service to all those around him. First, the pocket was granted the ability to stretch to any size. Whenever a friend needed something carried - keys, wallets, balls, gloves, full-sized frisbees, and even jugs of water - the boy was able carry the load. Never did the boy face an object too large for him to fit it into his pocket.

The second power granted to the pocket was that of infinite depth. No matter how many items the boy endeavored to carry, they all fit easily into the pocket. He could continue to load items into the pocket long after regular pockets would have been full. And because the pocket was of infinite depth, none of the items ever interfered with the boy's mobility. Even with a jug of water or a full-sized frisbee placed in the pocket, the boy was able to carry himself with grace and ease, as if there were nothing at all in the pocket. The infinite depth of the pocket also meant that nothing was ever lost from the pocket, for it all sat snugly in the deep well of the infinite, until the time came for the boy to remove the object. This made the boy a reputable and secure keeper for all those around him, and he received much acclaim.

The third, and perhaps the greatest, power of the pocket was the power of regeneration. The boy understood that he must give back to all those around him, for he had been given this wonderful magical sweatshirt. And so the boy often carried with him treats, stowed in the infinite depth of the pocket. One day, the boy was called to a small village on the outskirts of the far away Land of Minnesota. He was to seek out the greatest Christian music acts, and return home to share what he had found. A large contingent came with the boy, and he carried many things for them in the pocket of his magic sweatshirt. But he feared, for he had only a few small rolls of tootsie for the journey, and they were to be shared by all, throughout the entire voyage.

The boy placed the candied treats in the magic sweatshirt's pocket. He intended to make them last as long as possible, handing them out only to those who specifically asked. But word, as it is wont to do, traveled fast. Soon those in his traveling party, passersby they'd met on the way, and even the villagers themselves were seeking out the boy, asking for one of the chocolate midges. The boy could not refuse. Soon, the boy was sure he was approaching the end of his stock. One of the boy's dearest friends approached, and requested the favor of a single roll of tootsie. The boy cautioned that he may no longer have any, but agreed to check inside the pocket of the magic sweatshirt.

What he found astounded the boy. There seemed to be almost as many midges as there had been when he had started his journey! The pocket, it seems, had magically multiplied the candy. This continued throughout the weekend voyage, and whenever the supply dwindled, and seemed almost to expire, the boy would suddenly find in his sweatshirt more of the cocoa treats.

On his final night in the village, just before the boy drifted off to sleep, he removed his magic sweatshirt, the garment that had served him so well on his journey, and looked into the pocket. Inside he saw that only one piece of candy remained. He reached in, took out the treat, and he himself savored the delicious piece of chocolate.

Fate had chosen him, and so he had become the bearer of chewy, chocolaty happiness for many throughout the far away Land of Minnesota. The magic sweatshirt had given the boy a most wonderful gift, and the power of the pocket had allowed him to share that gift with all those around him. For, as is customary with mystical garments, the magic sweatshirt never asked more than the boy could handle, and everything the magic sweatshirt asked, it itself helped deliver.

The end.

Don't let your white dress wear you out


patric said...

i think you were probably wearing Jesus.

Matthew B. Novak said...

I don't think my sweatshirt is Jesus, just Jesus' former clothes.


R.W.McGee said...



Anonymous said...

i once upon a time happen to see the great and wonderful machine from where said sweatshirt came from, and behold it was from that place referred to as minnesota